A beautiful day

This is my first blog entry, I write lying from my bed after waking from my second sleep of the day that gave me some much needed relief from the pain. I’m staring out my window at a beautiful day outside, longing to be out enjoying it, except I’m not I’m clutching my tummy wincing from cramps and spasms, and as I write i’m thinking about all of what I’m not doing and what I should be, while waiting for the next rush to the bathroom.

It’s funny really, it’s like I had a 6th sense that it was going to happen, I got out of hospital after having my stroke and all I could think of it shit I hate my bathroom we really need to decorate. Now it looks great, don’t get me wrong, however, now I really hate it, its now become the room where I sweat in pain a flush away any nutrients my knackered and aching body had managed to pick up.

I’m 3 weeks into a Crohns flare up, I should be grateful really I’ve not had one this bad for years. Don’t get me wrong I really am, it’s just, it’s hard to be grateful that I’ve not been shitty my pants every day for the last few years when I have been battling the aftereffects of a bad pregnancy and birth, depression, panic attacks, bouts of vertigo, tests for MS, a body covered in psoriasis, a torn artery and a stroke. Maybe that’s it; basically life just wasn’t shitty enough, well, now ladies and gentlemen life is also shitty.

For those of you who don’t know what Crohn’s disease is it’s a chronic condition that can affect any part of the digestive system and can cause diarrhoea, pain and weight loss amongst other symptoms these are just my main symptoms. More information can be found at http://www.crohnsandcolitis.org.uk/information-and-support/information-about-ibd

Crohns is what I call a shitty disease mainly because it makes you shit a lot, and I mean a lot, at the moment I go between 6 and 9 times a day, making leaving the house a game of Russian roulette with my pants! It’s that time again when I have to start carrying around a change of clothes and baby wipes, not because I’m toilet training Finlay, but for me, that’s right my emergency pack, oh the humility, as if I didn’t need to give people another reason to stay away from me, why not add the lingering smell of poo stained clothes! Going shopping is great fun at the moment, people take one look at my arms and run for the hills, people jump out of the way, its comical really, but it’s also so sad, ITS NOT FUCKING CATCHING, I think to myself, psoriasis the popular girls’ disease, but that’s for another blog.

Apart from the actual shitting, it’s shitty because you can’t see my pain or discomfort, most of the time I say I’m fine, I’m OK, just tired, because it’s easier, plus know one asking how you are doing, no matter how genuine, really wants you to real off a list of symptoms that are making your life harder by the second to keep your fake smile upright. So I smile and say I’m OK just tired.

And on that note I’m going to take my fake smile to the toilet, and admire my new bathroom.

Well that’s it my first blog entry an honest, frank and graphic account of living with long term illnesses.

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it I cannot wait for feedback and to hear from other suffers, about your journeys.